It's about time Oppo knew something

"JGrabowMSt" (jgrabowmst) 08/16/2014 at 11:04 • Filed to: reallife

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I think it's about time I tell Oppo something, because this seems to never leave my notifications lately.

I'm going to save this post as a draft for a night and see how I feel in the morning about it.

I, for one, would like to formally, outside of any other thread, express my deepest sympathies, as well as my support in whatever way I can offer if ever needed to our fellow Opponaut GeorgeyBoy. What your girlfriend went through, and what you went through is nothing short of terrifying and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I wish you the best on your road to recovery, because it will be extremely difficult.

I posted what I did in terms of support, and I'm hoping that it offers some help in his time of need. In reading it back to myself, I see that it does seem somewhat disconnected, but hopefully level headed and informational. Ultimately however, there's a much bigger picture behind this that I never thought I would ever share with Opposite Lock.

I spoke out of experience.

It's a haunting thing in my life, and it's something that I honestly struggle to cope with on a regular basis. This is something that I hate to say, but GeorgeyBoy will be experiencing. Trauma is difficult, you don't necessary have to be there in the moment to experience it, on some level, it affects you. It often isn't until after the fact, be it minutes, hours, days or months, it will be painful. It could come back in pieces, it could come back completely, seemingly out of nowhere. Take things slowly, carefully, and seriously.

My girlfriend, who I have every intention of making my wife, was raped. Twice. She had a series of very poor relationships that affected her very greatly, and even to this day, things are a struggle. I didn't really know her well when it was happening, it wasn't until after the fact that things began to change a lot for her, and myself. The emotional triggers are anything anywhere. It could be me, it could be nothing, it could be everything. It scares me like nothing else when she's even out of my sight sometimes. She suffers from severe anxiety, influenced by (though I'm still not quite sure if it's specifically a result of) the sexual abuse she suffered, which can, and often does result in some form of panic attack or flashback.

The flashbacks and panic attacks are bad. It's something you'd never understand until it becomes something you need to recognize. I still have immense trouble recognizing them. My girlfriend will seemingly go completely blank. She wont talk, she'll hardly move. She can't talk. It doesn't work. Her mouth opens, and nothing comes out.

She was officially diagnosed with PTSD late last year.

I was coming home from school one night, and hit a deer. The car was driveable, but was towed home anyway. I called her several times. Every single time it went to voicemail. Over and over. It's a fear unlike anything else you'll ever experience in your life. It started with wanting to let her know I was okay, but shifted instantly to "is she okay?" I kept calling, and kept getting voicemail.

When you're that afraid of what could have happened, it's because it did.

I got home, I sorted out my vehicle situation, I got the paperwork I needed for the next day to call insurance, and I tried to get sleep. Sometimes she goes out with friends and doesn't check her phone. I don't want to be controlling, I know things have happened to her in the past. I don't want to do the wrong thing now, but she needs to know.

Little did I know, she was in the hospital. She had a panic attack. She couldn't take it.

I didn't hear from her until the next day, she was finally home, and she had a lot of paperwork. Things were bad, but she was safe and okay. Safe is a relative term, if you consider safe not being out on the streets on a cold night in the beginning of November. No one in her house was happy with the situation. It's hard on everyone. Who wants to admit they have a problem that bad? The actual events occurred a few years ago, but the resulting anxiety will never go away.

For the next few weeks, I would make sure my phone was charged, and we'd take the Mercedes SL600 Sport to an outpatient facility so she could go through therapy care, ultimately, to get the official PTSD diagnosis. This wasn't her first time in Therapy Care, but it was the first time I would take her there. I'd sit in the waiting area while she was meeting with a therapist. It was weird to me, every time. I was glad to make sure she got to and from therapy safely and we would often spend the rest of the night together. But each time going to the facility, seeing some of the other patients, and just knowing why they were coming in, it confused me. How can someone get into that much trouble, how can someone be so addicted to drugs. But at the same time, how can something so bad have happened to my girlfriend? The list of things that start running through your head about how it could have been different, how things would be if it never happened. It's normal, but it's an experience that changes your perspective. My girlfriend's family couldn't afford different therapy, so she would go to the one facility, and every time we went, I wished we could be going anywhere nicer. The facility scared me, every time the door closed, I felt like I was a lost child, in sheer terror, waiting for her to come back out.

Why, you ask, is the Mercedes an important detail in this? The car is something you would initially consider beyond our means or needs. Because of that, the car is a step up, it's a therapeutic change that allows both her and I to escape "reality" and enjoy something better. It's such an important thing to have when dealing with PTSD. It's why many soldiers who return home have pets to help them cope. Everyone is different. For my girlfriend and I, it's the Mercedes.

So fellow Oppos, what I ask for is continuing respect about the situation that's being handled by Gawker. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Gawker can take as long as they need to in order to figure out how to resolve this matter. I do not believe that anyone, whether I agree with their beliefs or not, deserves to be flooded with what Jezebel was flooded with. Do I consider myself a feminist? By definition, no. I consider myself a supporter of equality. I don't want to support certain aspects of life that may or may not be my business, I support the equality of all humans to all other humans. With that said, I hope it never triggered any anxiety with any readers. People don't deserve that.

Until you get to the scum that thought creating this mess was amusing. I don't care, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it be triggers for someone else.

I'd like to see Oppo do something meaningful in the wake of this happening, but I'm not sure what would really be appropriate. An Oppo Cruise for Awareness? Raise money to donate to trauma centers? I'd like to see it become a reality. This whole situation hits very close to home for me, and while I'm certain that months from now, Oppo will still be Oppo, and Gawker will fix things, there is a bigger picture to this. I think it's worth every Opponaut's time to consider what we could do as a group to show our respect towards the situation, and increase awareness to a very real problem.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 11:10

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Shit um that is horrible.

RMudkips > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 11:18

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It's tragic what you've experienced in your life.

Initially when the reports of the Jez problem surfaced I really just thought it was complaining and bad IT, but after this week I've started to see why it was handled the way it was.

Your post really got to the point of why the problem was a big deal for users, Jez or not. After reading this I understand the preventions taken and why the open letter was written for Gawker network users.

Thanks for opening my eyes.

TheJWT > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 11:31

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Excellent write-up, I couldn't agree any more. I am also in a relationship with someone has experienced abuse not unlike what your girlfriend has. The physical damage is bad enough, but the mental damage is the most haunting. The associated PTSD, clinical depression, self harm and flashbacks are horrible things that I would never wish upon anyone.

If there's any general advice I can give, to you, to GeorgeyBoy, or to anyone else reading this is to be as supportive and understanding as you can. The simplest things can set off the worst reactions. The fact that some people think that posting images of abuse on Gawker sites is simply "trolling", or just something that people are overreacting to is disgusting to me. I, too echo your sentiments that we all need to show respect for the current situation, and give it time to be worked out properly.

Thank you.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 11:49

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Fantastic write up. I'm pretty protective over my girlfriend because this stuff scares the shit out of me. I don't know why someone feels jezzies deserve to have to see that but I assume it's a kid or emotionally stunted adult who doesnt know any better.

I feel for you man, I hope your girlfriend finds some level of recovery in her future. No one should have to go through shit like that.

JGrabowMSt > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 08/16/2014 at 12:23

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there is a balance between protective and controlling, but with the correct understanding the boundaries are respected. I know Im not the only one here who deals with it every day, but I felt it needed to be said. Whoever initially started this all was probably abused or neglected themselves. Their actions were simply a way to see some form of praise or positive reinforcement, regardless of the means it took to get there. Unfortunately, that reinforcement allows it to continue over time.

Over time, things will improve, but she can really be the only judge of that. I just hope I can continue to foster the correct environment for her.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 12:31

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I try not to interfere with her but warn her away from certain parts of town when shes out with friends and against heavy drinking in public. Anything that puts your thinking power at risk really. These fears arent unfounded, some bad shit happens in the town centre here every damn weekend. She isnt interested in drinking a lot anyways so it rarely interferes with any of her plans.

You have a good attitude about this stuff and sound like you're a good thing for her right now. Honestly I think I'd hold a lot of anger which would interfere with me being there emotionally. I'd have a lot of growing up to do to handle a situation like that properly.

BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 13:05

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I agree with everything that's been said here. Like I said back when Dusty first shared Jez's open letter to Oppo, this may not affect our community directly, but that doesn't make it any less serious or disgusting. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like having to deal with that personally or having someone you love be directly affected by it. We're pulling for you guys, stay strong, man.

JGrabowMSt > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 08/16/2014 at 13:09

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At 23, dealing with a situation like this, you just do your best. I dont talk about it often, and it takes a lot, but it is important to talk about.

My boss doesnt even know, and it aggrivates me when he tells me that he thinks I should grow up and deal with my coworkers antics. Im not going to reprimand him for not doing his job, I was strictly told I wasnt his boss, amd to not deal with it myself. What my boss doesnt understand is that I have enough to deal with on a regular basis, a coworker that I cant stand is not something I have the patience for. Fortunately for me, Im looking for a new job. Its the best thing I can do for myself in this situation.

But more to the point, its not something just anyone can do. Like being an EMT/First Responder, it takes a certain kind of person. Knowing what I do, I would do whatever my girlfriend needs me to do for her. She means that much to me, and deserves the absolute best I can provide for her.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 13:30

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Switching job is a good move if it affects you in a bad way, so many stick in a situation they hate and it does them no good.

Talking is good, I have my demons like us all and when I began talking through them with people it helped.

Your treatment of her and sensitivity to her situation is a huge deal. So many people don't have that and a good support system is critical to recovery in some cases. It's something she'll come to appreciate when she pulls through to a place mentally where she finds peace.

JGrabowMSt > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 08/16/2014 at 13:44

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as TheJWT knows, priorities are key. She is my priority, in both safety and well being. Her needs do come before my own, and given the situation, thats what it should be.

That said, I do need to watch out for myself, and ensure I have some peace and sanity.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 14:04

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You're right that you need to keep yourself sane and peaceful too. Would be hard to help out if you werent in a decent place yourself.

I wish you well and hope you both find peace.

Dusty Ventures > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 14:45

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I wish I could star this more than once, because I agree completely and I think your point is important. I also have firsthand experience, as I've dated two girls who were raped; one a couple years before I knew her, the other a few months after we started dating. Both suffered from flashbacks and panic attacks, which would hit at any time. When they did I always felt completely helpless, trying to be comforting but knowing if I attempted any physical contact at that moment (a hug, a touch on the shoulder or arm), or even if I simply got too close, it would just make the panic attack worse. As it turns out, trying to comfort someone from five feet away is one of the hardest things in the world. And seeing their expressions during those panic attacks, the pain and fear in their eyes, was more terrible than anything else I've experienced. And throughout it all I knew what it felt like for me, watching, ineffectively trying to help, was nothing compared to what they were experiencing in that moment. That was the worst part of all.

JGrabowMSt > Dusty Ventures 08/16/2014 at 15:19

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For a while I struggled a lot, and never knew if I was doing the right thing. I often tried to find some community or group of people in the same shoes, but never could. I eventually gave up in doing so, because Ive found Oppo to be the best support system for me. I cant use the same methods as anyone else when my girlfriend has a problem. What I can use is a support system of people with the same interests to distract me from that struggle. I honestly couldnt have found a better place to get that.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > JGrabowMSt 08/16/2014 at 16:35

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Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. Very sorry to hear what your girlfriend has been through... I hope time helps heal...

Bytemite > JGrabowMSt 08/19/2014 at 12:29

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So as long as there are people out there with some sort of ailment, everyone must be sheltered from everything and anything? God forbid a gif triggers something in someone, but the response from Gawker is all wrong, and the argument is basically along the lines of "take away privileges from everyone to benefit some". Morally, it might make sense, it might. But rationally, no.

JGrabowMSt > Bytemite 08/19/2014 at 12:34

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You really don't have any understanding of what the actual problem is here.

Bytemite > JGrabowMSt 08/19/2014 at 12:39

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I can't say I have first-hand experiences with it. But I'm on the side of the people who now have to deal with Gawker's terrible decision-making. There will always be little sheltered flowers and there will always be trolls. You either deal with trolls the right way or not. If everyone responded to trolls like Gawker, no one would be able to see, hear, or do anything.

JGrabowMSt > Bytemite 08/19/2014 at 12:44

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So the correct way would be to ban you right now?

Everyone who has a kinja account has to deal with Gawker's decision making.

Was the officer who shot Michael Brown right or wrong in his actions? Was George Zimmerman right or wrong in his actions? Are all the protestors right or wrong in their actions? Was Michael Brown right or wrong in his actions? Was Trayvon Martin right or wrong in his actions?

Two wrongs doesn't make a right, certainly. Somewhere along the line however, it's important to take some sort of action.

Go back to 4chan.

BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion > Bytemite 08/19/2014 at 12:45

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Gawker isn't exactly new to terrible decisions... plus this isn't supposed to be permanent, just a temporary shtick while they come up with a better commenting system. And then fix it up after it proves to be utterly broken. It's not the worst we've dealt with so far

Bytemite > JGrabowMSt 08/19/2014 at 12:51

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Where are there two wrongs? I don't see why you're being hostile.

But you are right, two wrongs don't make a right. The trolls were wrong and Gawker is wrong. What exactly are you arguing here?

JGrabowMSt > Bytemite 08/19/2014 at 12:57

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A decision was made by Gawker. It has been said time and time again, it is not permanent.

What exactly are you arguing here?

yamahog > Bytemite 08/19/2014 at 13:05

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No shit you don't have first-hand experience with it, did you seriously just refer to a rape survivor with PTSD a "little sheltered flower?" It's not like someone is whining about going to /b/ and seeing bad things, it's Gawker network, where content and triggers are clearly defined.

Sorry you lack the empathy to "side" with people recovering from trauma over people who plant rape gifs in the comments.

Bytemite > yamahog 08/19/2014 at 13:33

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Reading comprehension.... When did I side with people who plant rape gifs? Are there only two kinds of people in this discussion? There are a few trolls, and there are few obviously easily disturbed women, but there is also this group called "Everyone else".